How to Handle Difficult People

Another lesson from nature

Responding well to difficult people is… well… difficult. And sometimes it feels nearly impossible.

It’s amazing though, that all around us in nature there are lessons and “helps” that actually show us how to handle challenging people.

For example, here’s a true story that’s also a bit humorous illustrating one of those lessons for us…

Erected on Sullivan’s Island to protect the city of Charleston, Fort Sullivan (now known as Fort Moultrie) was a tough nut to crack for the British Navy during the Revolutionary War. In fact, it took them four years to capture it!

Just why in the world did it take the greatest navy in the world at that time four years to conquer a small fort on a small island?

The primary answer to that question lies in the outer walls of the fort. They were made of palmetto logs. That’s right... palmetto logs.

(Now you know why South Carolina is referred to as “The Palmetto State.”)

Palmetto logs behaved very differently to British cannon fire than did stone, brick, or even hard wood.

That’s because palmettos are not like your typical tree. A member of the palm family, palmettos have a soft, flexible, fibrous tissue beneath their spongy husk (bark).

Unlike harder surfaces, when the cannon balls struck the soft palmetto logs - they mostly just embedded into the soft wood. Many simply bounced off.

Try that with brick or stone... or even hard wood!

Difficult, abrasive people have a lot in common with cannon fire, don’t they? For example:

• They often start with a sudden, loud blast

• They typically launch a barrage, not just a single-shot

• The fallout, that is, the consequence from the blast can cause a lot of damage

• After the firing, there’s usually a toxic atmosphere that lingers

When you get fired upon by the human equivalent, I suggest that you respond like Fort Sullivan. Don’t let it shatter you or knock a hole in you. And don’t let it blow you up.

Don’t let it get past your resilient, malleable, flexible husk. You’ll be surprised at how many attempted shots will simply bounce off... and even those that stick will only affect the surface.

If you want to waste a lot of energy and freedom and life, be the kind of person that reacts to every little nick, every little jab, every little insult. Be rigid and inflexible and always on the defensive. Just know that’s a sure path to misery.

We have the freedom to choose how we respond to the cannon fire that comes our way. It can change our mood, wound our spirit, preoccupy our mind, fill us with hurt and anger. Or it can lightly embed in our surface and maybe even bounce off.

It all depends on what our walls are made of.

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I thought it might also be helpful, just as a reminder, to consider these three lessons from Scripture about handling difficult people:

1. Never lose sight of who you are in the sight of God.

Your mood, your mindset, and your worth should never depend on the opinions, attitudes, accusations, or behavior of others—whether good or bad—because the reality of Romans 8:31-38 is more than sufficient to counter whatever salvo difficult, deceptive, and destructive people send your way.

2. No matter what you’re given to work with, choose to give love in return. Of course, the Master was, indeed, our Master Model for how to respond to difficult people.

Our first level response should be that of love and not anger or defensiveness, because a “soft answer turns away wrath” (Proverbs 15:1).

And for a deeper level response, try offering to buy your “enemy” a cup of coffee. Or take them to lunch (I Peter 3:9). You might discover over coffee that the reason they behave the way they do is because their burden in life is more than they can manage without spilling it.

Granted, this is hard business. We’re human and naturally want to fire back when we’re fired at. But as His disciples we’re commanded to not only love the “brethren” but our enemies as well (Luke 6:35).

3. And finally, at least for me… I need to remember that it’s the Spirit of Christ who lives in me that makes any of this possible anyway. Because apart from His love shed abroad in my own heart, I may well be that difficult person myself.

We choose how we respond. Let’s choose wisely, remembering the palmetto.

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