Sooner or later every life is touched by loss and the overwhelming burden of grief that accompanies it. Learning how to carry that burden without buckling under its load is therefore some of the most essential wisdom we can gain.
For the next three weeks we will be sharing a few of our own journeys through grief, speaking to some of the complexities of grief, and looking at how we can learn to carry our grief in a way that allows for love to be rewritten and loss to be honored.
It was late afternoon, February 4, 1997. Mike was charting notes from the last client of the day in his downstairs office when the phone rang. I hung up and went running down the stairs…“Babe, it’s Mother. She thinks Dad is dead.”
When he didn’t get up from his afternoon nap, Mother went to the bedroom to check on him. It appeared he’d had a fatal heart attack almost as soon as he laid down. We lived only 15 minutes away, and as soon as Mike opened the front door he said it felt like all the strength had been sucked out of the home. His mother, obviously in shock, was sitting in the dimly-lit living room. Vulnerable, lost, and afraid.
He was buried two days after, on my birthday.
Ten months later I lost my dad to a brutal cancer. Following a two-week traumatic hospital stay in an attempt to stabilize him, he was sent home on hospice. Thankfully I was there with my mom for the last several days of his life… most of which he was sedated on heavy doses of morphine. One of my saddest memories was seeing my mom’s face when she fixed his last meal. “They told me to stop giving him anything to eat.” He passed the next morning.
Valentine’s Day 2019 we lost Mike’s dear, sweet mother at the age of 98, at 4:30 in the morning. And after a long battle with congestive heart failure, my mom went to be with the Lord the morning of October 16 of the same year. Mike and I were with her in the hospital room when she drew her last breath.
Among these, there have been many others in our family – grandmothers, siblings and their spouses, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, cousins. Friends have lost children and grandchildren.
And I know you could share similar stories of your own.
Those who say death is a natural part of life are wrong. Death is the consequence of the Fall. The aftermath of sin. It was not present in His original creation and… praise be to God… will not be present in His kingdom.
But it is ever with us all now, in one iteration or another. And so the challenge is to learn how to bear the burden of grief that follows a meaningful loss in a way that is sustainable instead of devastating, as loss is a continuing part of life.
What Loss Does To Us
Meaningful losses not only cause overwhelming sadness, they disorient. They rob us of the version of ourselves and our world that we’ve always known… and leave behind fear, confusion, and the unnerving sense that we no longer know how to live the life we now find ourselves in.
This posttraumatic response to loss is not a malfunction. Grief alone is well sufficient to make us feel like we’re losing our footing and sometimes our faith, our courage and sense of self, and even the ability to manage an ordinary task that now feels completely undoable.
Imagine being dropped into a forest you have never seen. The trees are dense. The landmarks are unfamiliar. There is no clear path or trail. And the only map you have belongs to a completely different forest.
This is what grief does to the psyche. The routines, expectations, relationships, and beliefs that help us function were calibrated to a version of life that no longer exists. The old coordinates do not line up anymore.
That mismatch creates anxiety and makes us feel crazy, which is why so many who grieve wonder what’s wrong with them.
Why can’t I stop crying? Why do I feel so lost? So numb? So vulnerable? What is wrong with me?
The correct answer is nothing. Nothing at all is wrong with you. You are responding naturally to the fact that grief has supplanted your world, and your prior map is now outdated.
Perhaps it would help to take a minute to let that sink in.
Because understanding this truth is no small comfort. It gives you a fresh beginning point, one that starts with being kinder to yourself. Rather than judging every difficult feeling that you can’t manage as evidence of weakness, you can understand it as your mind and body adjusting to a reality it did not choose.
The Problem with Resistance
Grief hurts, and the human mind is wired to avoid pain in order to keep us safe. So resisting the overwhelming painful emotions that accompany grief can sound practical, and even responsible. “If I stay busy enough, I won’t have to feel this.” Or “If I keep moving, I can get over it.” Or “If I just distract myself, maybe it will pass.”
There is certainly a place for ordinary responsibilities, rest, friendships… even times of distraction. But avoidance becomes dangerous and unhealthy when it is your only strategy.
You might have already seen what happens when you try to resist grief.
Even if you can hide it for a time, the pressure inside continues to build. And when it can no longer hold, you may experience a sudden burst of tears, rage, feelings of numbness or panic or exhaustion weeks or even months after the loss when you thought you were “doing better.”
That’s because trying to avoid grief does not remove it. It deepens it. And it adds a greater burden (that of resistance) to the burden of grief you are already carrying, which, in turn, adds to the physical exhaustion you feel as well as the emotional stress.
We should also be aware of the many spiritual forms of resistance. For example, “If I trusted God more, I would not be so devastated.” Or “If I just had more faith, I could accept all this and be at peace.”
Jesus, Scripture tells us, was “a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.” Grief and faith are not enemies. The presence of faith does not mean the absence of tears or freedom from the ache of loss.
What You Can Do
If grief has left you unable to function, caused you to feel confused, fearful, anxious, or hopeless, remind yourself that you have not failed. This is not evidence of your lack of faith. Your mind and body are being rewired to a new reality you did not choose. This is a good truth to remember to help you reset.
But beyond that, it may also help to know that you do not have to navigate this unfamiliar terrain alone. We can come alongside you as a guide in your own journey through grief.
The first Thrive Guide1 in our Christians Who Thrive Resource Library, Grace in the Ashes: The Soul’s Journey Through Grief, is now available at a limited-time discount. If you’re struggling with grief you will find gentle wisdom and practical insights to support you on that journey.
And as the upcoming holidays are some of the hardest seasons to navigate around a significant loss, we are also opening registration for our Grace in the Ashes Group Coaching Experience soon. (More information to follow next week.)
What I Want to Leave You With
Remember, you are not broken because grief has disoriented you, frightened you, or left you without any sense of direction or purpose. Rather, your loss has changed the landscape of your life.
But your map can be redrawn. Not in a day, but a little each day.
And not on the basis of someone else’s timeline. You do not have to rush to get over this. You do not have to try to hide your grief or prove your faith by pretending to be “ok.”
With patience, understanding, love, community, and guidance you can be transformed into a version of yourself that both honors the loss and carries a light that shines hope not only into your darkness but even into the darkness of the grief of others.
Grace for where it’s needed most,
As part of our Christians Who Thrive Resource Library, each Thrive Guide explores a single topic with seasoned insights, encouragement, and practical, effective steps that promote healing and growth. Thrive Guides are small (4x7, around 100 pages) yet power-packed resources you can return to again and again.
Christians Who Thrive brings together timeless biblical truths with psychological wisdom that equip you to replace the pain and frustration you now carry with personal, spiritual, and relational experiences you long for. ©2026 Growth Resources LLC | Christians Who Thrive. All Rights Reserved.